What a year. What a year of highs and lows, firsts & lasts. Love and loss. At 28 years old, life should be a breeze. Many people I grew up with getting established in their careers, getting married, starting families. I love seeing everyone’s lives and what great things they are accomplishing. 2019 was great for so many.
As for myself, it was a year to say the least. But how far I, as myself, and I as a mother, have come, I can pat myself on the back and say “you’ve done good sis, I’m proud of you.” It’s been tough but I did it. Not for myself but for me and my child. I’ve hit rock bottom, what seems like several times through these 12 short months, but always rose above. I’ve had more jobs this year than I’ve had my entire life. But hey, each time the job got better, the schedule as a mother got better and my financial situation got better. And each time I’ve moved up in my career, my stress level seemed to diminish a little every time. I have a job I LOVE now and am very comfortable for the first time since everything has taken place.
I learned in the beginning of the year, that no matter what it took, I would make it as a single mother. I would prove all these bastards who said i couldn’t, and who said i needed a man, and just had no faith in me. I don’t need a man. I can do this on my own. I would do whatever it took to provide for me and my son. I worked 7 days a week, with a full time job and at one point 3 small side jobs. I learned how to become a truly strong independent woman who took care of herself and her child. Bills got paid, maybe a little late at times, but they got paid. Food was on the table, maybe frozen TV dinners a few nights, but we ate. We never went without.
My family took a big hit this year. We lost a HUGE member of our family and that was tough. It was the first time our family has lost anyone so close. The holidays and family functions were not the same this year to say the least. But we all know he is dancing in heaven with Jesus, no longer in pain. And for me, that eases my heart.
At my lowest of lows I never lost my faith. Working 7 days a week, not being able to physically go to church, which is a place I feel at ease, was tough, but I still reached out to Him for guidance. He never let me down. This year I have struggled with anxiety and depression more than I think I ever had. The ups and the downs and the feelings of not being enough really took a toll on me at times. But I know I am enough. I am more than enough.
I also took a risk and let my guard down. A risk that I was afraid to take for a while. To put my heart on the line. To really open up and let someone attempt to love my broken soul. And to love my kid like he needed to be loved. Neither of us are easy to love and I know this. But I honestly thought it could be done.
So here we are.. it’s 9:30 New Year’s Eve. Tomorrow starts a new year, 365 days of opportunity. 52 weeks to reach goals, and strive to be the best we can possibly be. To forgive not only ourselves but others. To be surrounded by people who want you in their life. People who fight the fight with you, not against you. Who push you to be the best you, and support you with all your goals and ambitions. Here’s to a new decade. New memories, new life, new love, new goals, learning new things, learning from new mistakes. Make it a good year. If not for anyone else, do it for yourself.