Do you ever feel like your all alone in a room full of people? Like you are screaming at the top of your lungs, but nobody hears you? Thats where you’ll find me. In a big room surrounded by people, people i love, smiling and laughing but feeling so alone at the same time. I can walk in the bathroom, and a few tears will fall, but i can just wipe that shit off my face, walk back out and act like nothing is wrong. Ive become a pro. I’m not going to lie, i have really been struggling lately. And the worst part about it is that I can cover the pain and sadness with a smile so well. I’ve done it for so many years through so many situations that it comes easy. But even when that smile is on my face, my heart is beating so hard and so fast and my mind spins a million miles an hour.
In the past 9ish months, I have been through more than most people experience in a lifetime, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. So many changes, so much lost, not enough gained. They say that time heals you. Im not convinced. I personally think time is nothing but the spoon in the pot, the pot called life, stirring and stirring until every ingredient thrown in is mixed and confused, to the point you try to avoid ANY time to yourself because you know, well at least I personally know, that the only thing that big pot of chaos creates, is a demon. A demon, that when you are by yourself, in a quiet house, staring blankly at a black tv screen, because everything on there or any music you play triggers emotions that you are trying to avoid, starts messing with your head. I know my demons. I know they make me over think, and over stress, overwhelm me, take every ounce of energy out of me. But the crazy part is, I can feel like I’m doing big things, really moving past everything and growing and getting myself right where I need to be, then its like all of a sudden, Satan decides to whip a U turn and say “nope, I still gotcha”.
The holidays were tough this past thanksgiving and christmas, but i was so bitter that it really didn’t bother me. I was so angry. So angry at life, at God, at my decisions, and other people close to me’s decisions. I know just how bitter i was, because i LOVE that time of year. I love fall, and i absolutely LOVE christmas. I didn’t have any of my christmas decor this year, maybe listened to christmas music a handful of times (which usually i start the day after turkey day), i didn’t even buy stockings for me and my son until like 3 days before christmas. I just couldn’t get into the spirit. When our little family was together, we loved christmas and i think i was mentally trying to block it all out. All the memories, I just couldn’t handle it. Also this Christmas was the first one i had to spend without my son. First christmas i didn’t get to spend christmas eve, preparing for Santa with my little. He loves christmas as much as i do, so that holiday is so special to me, but this year it was lonely. I was surrounded by my family, and we had a great time together, as always, but my heart was empty. I didn’t cry much, I was just cold. I was in survival mode. I had a child to take care of, my life i needed to take care of and make sure I was able to get all my ducks in a row. Going from having everything and never having to worry about anything to having nothing. Literally nothing but a few bags of clothes, my kid and his dog. That was hard. I don’t handle change well. Not well at all.
After christmas and when the new year came, I told myself I needed to “let go and let God”. I was exhausted from being so bitter. From fighting the emotions. Im a super emotional person, so this did a number on me. I was breaking from the inside out. I had contacted our preacher at the church we had gone to for a number of years. This man has been there for me since middle school. Through every struggle life has thrown at me. He is a walking talking living breathing God sent angel. And I’m so serious. He wears his cowboy boots, wrangler jeans, and button up shirt like any ole’ country boy, but can explain God’s word and His plan in a way that it just all makes sense. So I met up with him and sat and explained everything that had been going on. He encouraged me to start coming back to church, to let my heart shine like he knows it can, and just to let God take control. That He forgives us and our sin, that he washes us clean with his love. So just hang onto what little bit of faith i had at the time, and find the Lord again. He will provide in the way he sees fit for me. He will put me through no storm I can not withstand. That whatever is meant to be will be. Its all part of His plan. He told me to hold onto this verse, hold it tight to my heart. “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”-Psalm 37:4.
“delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”Psalm 37:4
He told me, he said, “Berkley, its going to be a rollercoaster. But you are tough. You are strong willed and beautiful. Whatever happens, whatever life throws at you, you will handle it with grace and dignity” and i have tried to handle it that way. I think I’ve done a done a good job considering all the various situations thrown at hand. I have to put my emotions in the shadows, especially when Beckett is around because he can read me like a book. He knew how hurt i was, and he went into protective mode. My 7 year old, God I would be nothing without him, is an absolute child of God. He, unfortunately is like me, and puts everyone before himself. Especially when he knows they are hurting. I tried to be strong for him, but some days were just a lot harder than others. But i would see his sweet face and hear that sweet voice reminding me every chance he could how much he loved me, and in my heart i knew we would be just fine. I wasn’t given the gift of that precious child for nothing. He is my purpose. My drive, and my whole life. And bless his little heart, he has been through it all right there with me.
So here we are, April 30th. And i think I’m the most confused, and emotionally empty I’ve been thus far. Ive parked my car in empty parking lots, stared at a blank tv, laid in the bed for hours and just cried, a lot lately. I literally went to dinner last night and completely broke down, mid salad. My son’s biological dad, was just granted 50/50 custody and man thats a tough pill to swallow. This is the first “week” (yes a whole week) with him, and its only tuesday… i feel like its been 6 weeks since I’ve seen my babe, when actually i just had him up until this past friday and talked to him this weekend. Once again, i do not do good with change, and this is a big change. Me and my ex sold our home, the first home we owned together, full of memories and laughs, but also sadness and anger. Had to rehome some of my animals and split our dogs between the two of us. I still haven’t unpacked all the boxes, i just can’t seem to do it. Ive started a new job, which i love, and it has taught me to be so thankful that my family is healthy and close and i know we all have each others back. Ive also been absolutely mind blown by some of my patients and their drive. Their drive to better themselves and reach their own personal goals for their well being along with the well being of their kids and families. Ive enrolled back in school, full time. To finish what i should have years ago. There is just still an empty space in my soul, and i am trying to fill it in, one day at a time. My therapy has always been my horses, I’ve found myself out there with them a lot lately. Making time to have time to myself doing something i love, while it also clears my mind. Im trying to stay productively busy, because i know what happens when i don’t. I sit and start thinking about everything. I don’t want peoples pity, i hate that shit. I don’t want sympathy either. But when i thought i was finally coming to peace with everything, I guess I was wrong. I have so much on my plate right now. When i start to get overwhelmed, I just start overthinking and over analyzing EVERYTHING. Which is not good. And I tend to shut out the ones I am the closest to. I clearly see now, that i have completely taken for granted so many things. So many things that i wish i could have back. From big things, to small things, if i could go back several years, and re do so many things, and my outlook on life, i would in an instant. But unfortunately, you can’t take back the time, and start over from the beginning, but instead start fresh in the present and make the ending better than it could have ever been. Learn from everything, and work to make it the best, because you know its possible. Though it may be hard, somethings are worth the fight. I do believe that people can forgive and move past things, but its not easy. I understand that. But knowing how my head and my heart feel at this moment and have felt for the last couple weeks, i just can’t seem to grasp whats right and whats wrong. What are the right feelings, or what are the wrong? Am i going to loose what could be, trying to wrap my head around what should have been? When you step out of certain situations, and you figure your shit out. Get yourself where you need to be and find the true you that got lost along with way, and take a glimpse back, you realize what has happened. What all has been lost. And also what all has been gained. But you wonder, and it will eat your soul out, is there a chance.. or is where you are right now, where you are supposed to be, is this the solution, the beginning to something new and spectacular? I guess only time will tell. But life keeps on truckin’, so you have to saddle up and make the best out of the ride.