Let’s Talk About Sex Baby, Let’s Talk About You & Me

Nahhh, actually lets just start with the basics. How to get a guy.. or how the hell to get rid of one.. Sometimes i wonder if they are actually just a bad virus that you can’t get rid of.. maybe we should WebMD or ask siri about it?!

ummm Doc, can i get a vaccine for douchbags?! I can’t seem to get away from them.. i attract them at a high volumes. I mean if insurance doesn’t cover it, ill pay cash money.

Guys should come with a warning label: WARNING.. Im charming at first, have these mcdreamy eyes and a smile to brighten up the room and will tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear. Im going to make you a TOP priority, tell you I’m like no other, and spoil you and tell you how i just can’t wait to see what our future will hold.. then in teeny tiny print at the bottom of the label it goes like this… Im charming to an extent, until i get comfortable with you, i will begin to roll my mcdreamy eyes at you behind your back, begin to tell little white lies with my sly smile, begin to put you on the back burner and make up ways to cancel plans and see just how long i can drag you along… While talking to about 4 other girls. Its typical. And thats about how trying to date someone in this day in age is. If you want a good relationship, good luck partner..

I mean honestly, thats it. Oh yeah and the affectionate part.. they will kiss you’re forehead and hold your hand in public and tell their friends just how wonderful you are… and then you get to the good stuff, and OMG girl its good. and keeps getting better.. and just when you think it can’t get any better, you hear the “i love you” and your heart starts to flutter like you might be in love (or maybe you’re just in heat??) … then all of a sudden.. SKEEEERT…

The good morning beautiful messages begin to drift away, you stop getting the daily phone calls, you stop getting any attention and you basically feel like your beating a dead horse. You try to wait for him to text you first, and after hours of waiting you send him one, then maybe two and still nothing… Alright i see ya, but then he calls you 6 hours later and you don’t answer… sweet baby jesus just wait for it.. the dreaded text you know you’ll get, all the while you’re trying to play hard to get.. because thats what Pinterest would tell ya to do (am i right or am i wrong here? i KNOW all you girls be searching crazy things like.. OMG he won’t answer me, what do i do next) .. “hey babe guess you’re busy, tried to call. miss you” SHIIIIIT you didn’t miss me when i texted you earlier but okay…. So you want to go off with your friends, sure babe go, and have a great time… every night of the week.. thats cool, can you PLEASE PENCIL ME IN AT ALL SOME POINT THIS WEEK.. yeah me, your girl, remember?! The response more often than not.. “we’ll see”.. which pretty much means, yeah probably not. okay screw you. but you are going to question me about what I’m doing with all my time.. nahh it doesn’t roll like that. YOU DO YOU, BABE. I WILL DO ME. but when you start to miss me, don’t. Remember who tried to keep us together.. and who chose to not to.

But it doesn’t end there, when you get to that point where you’re just like, ehh okay let me move on. I deserve better.. (All because Pinterest, once again, came to your rescue and told you what step to take next in your life! I mean HOW did we ever accomplish ANYTHING before Pinterest?! How to cook, how to clean, how to correctly birth your child, how to turn trash into treasure, i mean the list goes on and on and on!) Here come the texts and the phone calls again. It’s almost like they have a radar… Lets see just how far i can let her swim away, then lets just reel her on back in. Never fails. Until you don’t respond. Want to get a dramatic reaction.. IGNORE them and moveeeee the hell on. You deserve better girl, much better.

So then you have the psychotic guys who start by messaging you on social media.. but don’t you think that after 17 messages that i HAVE NOT responded to.. you might get the hint. HELL NO. Like how many other chicks you blowin’ up their inbox? “oh girl you are soooooo amazing”.. hmm, you don’t even know if I’m actually a guy .. or a girl, I could totally be a catfish right now, i mean I’ve always wanted to be on tv.. and clearly your pecker in your pants is having some slight burst of blood flow and you really don’t care. You have never met me, and i have never responded to you. PLEASE and thank you, NEXT. For all you know i could have a pretty face and a 9 in ding-a-ling between my legs.. but i will give you an “a” for effort, well actually an “c” for creep.

The best are the ones you meet out in town. The ones who meet you in the raw, so they say. And you get to do the same with them. When i was still married, me and my girlfriend and sister went to dinner. It had been a long week and we all looked like we had been half drowned in the nearest pond and hung to dry. We sat down, had a drink or two and ate dinner. There were a couple guys across the restaurant that kept eyeing us. (not gonna lie, we kinda got a kick out of it). They eventually came over and started talking to us. Well 2 of us were married and my sister had just broken off her engagement so we were currently “UNAVAILABLE”. This one guy, he was a sweetheart. Super tall.. now granted i am only 5ft small.. so it doesn’t take much to be “super tall” to me, he was charming. He told me he was going to keep an eye out for if i ever became available because he thought i was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid his eyes on. (heart melted, mainly because in reality i looked like death warmed up over a campfire and he still thought i was beautiful) and he did. As soon as word got out that i was separating from my husband, i got a sweet message.. “so how about that date?!”.. super sweet.

BUT… have you ever tried the dating apps… or “online dating”, i like to call it “fishing in the dark”!? Unless you’re looking to get a good laugh during a girls night with a few bottles of wine, i wouldn’t recommend it. AT ALL. I literally am just giggling thinking about my experience. So me and my girl ashley.. and her mom decided.. well they decided for me.. that i should create an account. WORST DECISION EVER. Well, it was good in the sense that we got a lot of good laughs out of it!! Some of these people on those apps, you just really have to sit there and think to yourself, or out loud, “Did they really post that as their profile picture?!” or “Do you really think myself or ANYONE else is going to believe that you like nice long romantic walks on the beach during sunset… while your profile picture has you looking like lil wayne with a full grill set in your mouth that you got on black friday at the local pawn shop.. or possibly off the roll of foil in your grandmas pantry?? Guys, cmon. Get it together. And the dudes on there have no conscious, I’m 100% convinced. They will send the ABSOLUTE most ridiculous stupidest messages to try to grab your attention, but in reality we just read them, think to ourselves “are you actually being serious right now?!” and then block you for the safety of ourselves and those around us! **PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: THERE IS A MENTALLY UNSTABLE PERVERTED MAN (i think he’s a man, maybe a woman, who the hell knows these days) ON THE LOOSE LOOKING FOR GULLIBLE DUMB BROADS. BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS** You think I’m joking?? Go ahead and create an account and tell me i am wrong, PLEASE! I have plenty of proof of this. Although we got lots of good laughs and a great girls night out of it, needless to say that account was deleted in less than a week! Mama aint got time for all that bulllllllshit.

But what is it that guys really want? Like, they throw the hook out, you grab it.. and they basically lay you on the side of the pond! You start the talking, and then dating, and spending time together, things go great. You try to be the best girl, reminding them daily how handsome they are or how special they are to you. You do little things to show you care. But then it goes one of two ways.. either the guy gets CRAZY obsessed with you and you have to get rid of him, with or without a restraining order.. or you seem to really like him and things are going great then he just vanishes… like where is the happy medium here? Oh wait, if you get this far into it… and you get to getting serious, and you make it “Facebook official”.. its like someone turns on the HOE SWITCH. Holy HOES come out of everywhere.

Sweetie.. when it says “IN A RELATIONSHIP”… it means Unavailable. Lets define that word.. unavailable: NOT AVAILABLE. at all. point blank. Im not sure why thats so hard for people to figure out… Is this generation just that ignorant. Its clearly written out for everyone to see, but nobody seems to understand. unless we are all dyslexic.. I’m not really sure. Thats something that i will always wonder about. You stay single on Facebook, nobody bothers you, you get in a relationship.. BAMM you’re the #1 candidate for americas most wanted, bachelor edition.

Where are all the “southern gents”.. I mean we live in the south.. south is short for southern, right?! So.. does lifetime lie? How many of your guys actually open the door for you? Or just bring you flowers just for the heck of it?! Or just call to tell you they love you and were thinking about you? The ones who go out of the way to make sure you smile daily… and when you argue, (because we all do) make it a point to make it up to you before bed. Country love songs get me all in my feels, and don’t tell me they don’t make you get the same way. It just sets you up for a broken heart though. What i would give to go back to a time before social media, and before so many distractions in a relationship.. and before all these THIRSTY HOES were born! I personally, don’t want to have to wonder who my man is talking to, who is sending him DM’s on the low, or snapping sexy selfies. Or vice versa. I want to know I’m his A1, “ride or die” so the younger generation say, ill be okay not being referred to as “Bae”, because quit frankly i think that just sounds ridiculous! If you call me babe, bye Felicia! Who created that term anyways?? It sounds stupid.

Dating is tough. I, personally, am done for a while. Even though i didn’t really give it that good of a go, i got more insight than i actually needed at the time. I don’t have the patience for the bullshit. You are either in it to win it, or out. Me, I’m out. #deuces

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