What a year. What a year of highs and lows, firsts & lasts. Love and loss. At 28 years old, life should be a breeze. Many people I grew up with getting established in their careers, getting married, starting families. I love seeing everyone’s lives and what great things they are accomplishing. 2019 was great for so many.
As for myself, it was a year to say the least. But how far I, as myself, and I as a mother, have come, I can pat myself on the back and say “you’ve done good sis, I’m proud of you.” It’s been tough but I did it. Not for myself but for me and my child. I’ve hit rock bottom, what seems like several times through these 12 short months, but always rose above. I’ve had more jobs this year than I’ve had my entire life. But hey, each time the job got better, the schedule as a mother got better and my financial situation got better. And each time I’ve moved up in my career, my stress level seemed to diminish a little every time. I have a job I LOVE now and am very comfortable for the first time since everything has taken place.
I learned in the beginning of the year, that no matter what it took, I would make it as a single mother. I would prove all these bastards who said i couldn’t, and who said i needed a man, and just had no faith in me. I don’t need a man. I can do this on my own. I would do whatever it took to provide for me and my son. I worked 7 days a week, with a full time job and at one point 3 small side jobs. I learned how to become a truly strong independent woman who took care of herself and her child. Bills got paid, maybe a little late at times, but they got paid. Food was on the table, maybe frozen TV dinners a few nights, but we ate. We never went without.
My family took a big hit this year. We lost a HUGE member of our family and that was tough. It was the first time our family has lost anyone so close. The holidays and family functions were not the same this year to say the least. But we all know he is dancing in heaven with Jesus, no longer in pain. And for me, that eases my heart.
At my lowest of lows I never lost my faith. Working 7 days a week, not being able to physically go to church, which is a place I feel at ease, was tough, but I still reached out to Him for guidance. He never let me down. This year I have struggled with anxiety and depression more than I think I ever had. The ups and the downs and the feelings of not being enough really took a toll on me at times. But I know I am enough. I am more than enough.
I also took a risk and let my guard down. A risk that I was afraid to take for a while. To put my heart on the line. To really open up and let someone attempt to love my broken soul. And to love my kid like he needed to be loved. Neither of us are easy to love and I know this. But I honestly thought it could be done.
So here we are.. it’s 9:30 New Year’s Eve. Tomorrow starts a new year, 365 days of opportunity. 52 weeks to reach goals, and strive to be the best we can possibly be. To forgive not only ourselves but others. To be surrounded by people who want you in their life. People who fight the fight with you, not against you. Who push you to be the best you, and support you with all your goals and ambitions. Here’s to a new decade. New memories, new life, new love, new goals, learning new things, learning from new mistakes. Make it a good year. If not for anyone else, do it for yourself.
I will never forget the day I found out i was pregnant. That day consisted of a pee stick, a picture, my best friend and Chinese take out!
About a week before I was convinced to take a test, I started having these CRAZY dreams… about babies. Like they were completely real life. So I peed on the stick.. didn’t believe it. Made an emergent appointment to see my doctor.. he stuck that big jelly stick in my hoohah.. and said “look, you’re definitely having a baby.” There was NO denying it. 12.5 weeks in.. That alien making me eat everything and my pants too tight already had arms and legs when I first saw him! I knew from that point on.. I was in for it. Still couldn’t wrap my head around it, I was 19 at the time.. what 19 year old really wants to think about parenthood.. well nowadays, all of them.. but when I was 19.. nope none of us. So the doctor said here’s some pictures to take home, you better think of something good to tell your parents.
Gee thanks doc.. way to add on the pressure. As if the pressure the button on my jeans had been enduring wasn’t enough!
So that evening, a couple good friends of mine were throwing a field party.. nothing like a newly pregnant girl.. not yet a woman.. going to a field party to share her glorious news, right?! So me and my best friend load up in the car and I tell her I’ve got some news for her.. but first let’s get some chinese takeout! She said “Berkley, tell me what’s going on!” Oh okay.. but can we still get egg rolls because I’m starving.. and now officially eating for two so order me 4.
Yep that’s how she found out.
My mom didn’t believe me. Which it took me a week to figure out how I was going to break the news gently without her going to jail for a double homicide! But I had pictures to prove it.. She eventually got excited! My dad.. well he was a bit ridiculous.. he wanted to know “EXACTLY how did that happen!”.. well dad ya see… what had happened was.. a little huggin’ and a little kissin’ turned into a little bedroom messin’.. And well yeah.. shirts came off.. Pants got unbuttoned, and eventually he stuck me in the target hole. P O W .. that’s kinda how it happened. Wasn’t quite comfortable going into all the good details.. with my father. Sorry pop, not happening.
So the excitement started to kick in.. but i still had to tell my grandparents. Long story short.. one was excited, one stopped talking to me, and the other thought my ultrasound picture was of a puppy. Good lord.. who has ever seen ANY ultrasound picture look like a puppy. A PUPPY, puppies are cute. Maybe an alien.. or an organ? But a puppy… cmon Mawmaw.
So all summer I got super fat off Moe’s burritos, chili cheese fries from sonic, and la fiesta. No denying my oven baked cookie has a little Mexican heritage. Literally like 1/8. His great grandma.. is from mexico.. i think. Hell I don’t know. All I wanted was spicy Mexican food. And popcorn.
I used to go to the movie theatre.. like 3x a week. All summer. But, guess how many movies i actually watched. NONE. I would go, buy a TUB of popcorn and take it home. No shame. What baby wanted.. baby got! And that motto still is in effect today. 7 years later. Whatever Beckett wants.. he usually gets. Spoiled brat.
The people in the sonic drive thru and myself were on a first name basis.. I didn’t even have to stop at the order kiosk after about 2 weeks. My sister was in middle school, and luckily enough when I would go pick her up it was HAPPY HOUR at sonic. $.99 Route 66 drinks. Thank you I’ll take a cherry limeade and a chili cheese fry. Everyday 2:15 Monday through Friday.
Next thing you know.. it’s been 5 months and it was about time to make an exit route for that watermelon I was lugging around under my shirt. My boobs were as big as my belly at this point. My mom was worried I was going to suffocate my baby when I tried to nurse him. It was that serious. They were that big. We were really trying to figure out safe tactics on trying to nurse my kiddo.
Before we get all into that.. lets take a minute to learn about giving birth. And how to save your childs life… BLESS. My sister was like 12. I didn’t want to go to these classes by myself.. so i drug her along with me. Good birth control learning about how your vagina will get to be the size of a basketball right?! Ya’ll.. i can’t. She was mortified. But honestly so was I.. “where do i sign up for a c-section?!” So all i learned was its gonna hurt like hell.. if your baby is large and in charge he is going to RIP his way out of your crotch.. your vagina may become one with your butthole… and breathe.. in and out, slowly, without hollering… Okay, got it.
On to CPR.. on a FRAGILE infant. My sister put the baby on her knee to do back compressions, and knocked the damn head off the kid. Yep, Aunt Pep, you will NOT be babysitting. How the hell.. I just don’t get it. So by the end of the program, everyone was praying for the safety of my baby..
Since my husband was in the air force, i got to pick my kids birth date. I chose Jan 6th. So Jan 5th i went in the hospital, they hooked me up to all the good meds to force labor. Well, apparently I wasn’t going to force anything out at any fast pace. The next day, after a whole night of meds to induce me, i had only progressed 2 cm. Seriously… Contractions started that afternoon and we progressed to a 4cm. Dr comes in and says “alright lets try something stronger, and i want you to bounce on this big ball”.. oh okay doc, that sounds fantastic, said nobody ever.
So here we are, Jan 8th.. 3 days in labor.. I’m completely miserable, dilated to a 7 cm and sitting pretty there, contractions about to make me smack someone. Where’s my husband… at a family reunion.. eating delicious food. Where am I.. laid up in the hospital, bouncing my big fat pregnant ass on a workout ball.
1o pm rolls around, my stubborn child still hasn’t felt like he should make an appearance. I was convinced he just was going to stay put where he was. Already making me pull my hair out and he hasn’t even taken his first breath… Lord sweet baby Jesus above, GET THIS KID OUT OF ME.
Luckily for me, my water had been broken by the doc around lunch time that day, hoping that would make him come out.. kinda like a fish without water right?! Nope. But you can only keep the little fish in there with no water for so long before he can be exposed to infection, so off to the ER we go. Apparently the doctors think he was stuck. My BIG hips, were not made to push out a baby.. i don’t know how. But 11 pm on the dot, that assumption was confirmed. My sweet baby boy, came out of the slit in the stomach with a blue cone head looking just like a member of the Avatar family. Welcome sweet baby Avatar. We love you anyways ❤
Do you ever feel like your all alone in a room full of people? Like you are screaming at the top of your lungs, but nobody hears you? Thats where you’ll find me. In a big room surrounded by people, people i love, smiling and laughing but feeling so alone at the same time. I can walk in the bathroom, and a few tears will fall, but i can just wipe that shit off my face, walk back out and act like nothing is wrong. Ive become a pro. I’m not going to lie, i have really been struggling lately. And the worst part about it is that I can cover the pain and sadness with a smile so well. I’ve done it for so many years through so many situations that it comes easy. But even when that smile is on my face, my heart is beating so hard and so fast and my mind spins a million miles an hour.
In the past 9ish months, I have been through more than most people experience in a lifetime, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. So many changes, so much lost, not enough gained. They say that time heals you. Im not convinced. I personally think time is nothing but the spoon in the pot, the pot called life, stirring and stirring until every ingredient thrown in is mixed and confused, to the point you try to avoid ANY time to yourself because you know, well at least I personally know, that the only thing that big pot of chaos creates, is a demon. A demon, that when you are by yourself, in a quiet house, staring blankly at a black tv screen, because everything on there or any music you play triggers emotions that you are trying to avoid, starts messing with your head. I know my demons. I know they make me over think, and over stress, overwhelm me, take every ounce of energy out of me. But the crazy part is, I can feel like I’m doing big things, really moving past everything and growing and getting myself right where I need to be, then its like all of a sudden, Satan decides to whip a U turn and say “nope, I still gotcha”.
The holidays were tough this past thanksgiving and christmas, but i was so bitter that it really didn’t bother me. I was so angry. So angry at life, at God, at my decisions, and other people close to me’s decisions. I know just how bitter i was, because i LOVE that time of year. I love fall, and i absolutely LOVE christmas. I didn’t have any of my christmas decor this year, maybe listened to christmas music a handful of times (which usually i start the day after turkey day), i didn’t even buy stockings for me and my son until like 3 days before christmas. I just couldn’t get into the spirit. When our little family was together, we loved christmas and i think i was mentally trying to block it all out. All the memories, I just couldn’t handle it. Also this Christmas was the first one i had to spend without my son. First christmas i didn’t get to spend christmas eve, preparing for Santa with my little. He loves christmas as much as i do, so that holiday is so special to me, but this year it was lonely. I was surrounded by my family, and we had a great time together, as always, but my heart was empty. I didn’t cry much, I was just cold. I was in survival mode. I had a child to take care of, my life i needed to take care of and make sure I was able to get all my ducks in a row. Going from having everything and never having to worry about anything to having nothing. Literally nothing but a few bags of clothes, my kid and his dog. That was hard. I don’t handle change well. Not well at all.
After christmas and when the new year came, I told myself I needed to “let go and let God”. I was exhausted from being so bitter. From fighting the emotions. Im a super emotional person, so this did a number on me. I was breaking from the inside out. I had contacted our preacher at the church we had gone to for a number of years. This man has been there for me since middle school. Through every struggle life has thrown at me. He is a walking talking living breathing God sent angel. And I’m so serious. He wears his cowboy boots, wrangler jeans, and button up shirt like any ole’ country boy, but can explain God’s word and His plan in a way that it just all makes sense. So I met up with him and sat and explained everything that had been going on. He encouraged me to start coming back to church, to let my heart shine like he knows it can, and just to let God take control. That He forgives us and our sin, that he washes us clean with his love. So just hang onto what little bit of faith i had at the time, and find the Lord again. He will provide in the way he sees fit for me. He will put me through no storm I can not withstand. That whatever is meant to be will be. Its all part of His plan. He told me to hold onto this verse, hold it tight to my heart. “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”-Psalm 37:4.
“delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”
He told me, he said, “Berkley, its going to be a rollercoaster. But you are tough. You are strong willed and beautiful. Whatever happens, whatever life throws at you, you will handle it with grace and dignity” and i have tried to handle it that way. I think I’ve done a done a good job considering all the various situations thrown at hand. I have to put my emotions in the shadows, especially when Beckett is around because he can read me like a book. He knew how hurt i was, and he went into protective mode. My 7 year old, God I would be nothing without him, is an absolute child of God. He, unfortunately is like me, and puts everyone before himself. Especially when he knows they are hurting. I tried to be strong for him, but some days were just a lot harder than others. But i would see his sweet face and hear that sweet voice reminding me every chance he could how much he loved me, and in my heart i knew we would be just fine. I wasn’t given the gift of that precious child for nothing. He is my purpose. My drive, and my whole life. And bless his little heart, he has been through it all right there with me.
So here we are, April 30th. And i think I’m the most confused, and emotionally empty I’ve been thus far. Ive parked my car in empty parking lots, stared at a blank tv, laid in the bed for hours and just cried, a lot lately. I literally went to dinner last night and completely broke down, mid salad. My son’s biological dad, was just granted 50/50 custody and man thats a tough pill to swallow. This is the first “week” (yes a whole week) with him, and its only tuesday… i feel like its been 6 weeks since I’ve seen my babe, when actually i just had him up until this past friday and talked to him this weekend. Once again, i do not do good with change, and this is a big change. Me and my ex sold our home, the first home we owned together, full of memories and laughs, but also sadness and anger. Had to rehome some of my animals and split our dogs between the two of us. I still haven’t unpacked all the boxes, i just can’t seem to do it. Ive started a new job, which i love, and it has taught me to be so thankful that my family is healthy and close and i know we all have each others back. Ive also been absolutely mind blown by some of my patients and their drive. Their drive to better themselves and reach their own personal goals for their well being along with the well being of their kids and families. Ive enrolled back in school, full time. To finish what i should have years ago. There is just still an empty space in my soul, and i am trying to fill it in, one day at a time. My therapy has always been my horses, I’ve found myself out there with them a lot lately. Making time to have time to myself doing something i love, while it also clears my mind. Im trying to stay productively busy, because i know what happens when i don’t. I sit and start thinking about everything. I don’t want peoples pity, i hate that shit. I don’t want sympathy either. But when i thought i was finally coming to peace with everything, I guess I was wrong. I have so much on my plate right now. When i start to get overwhelmed, I just start overthinking and over analyzing EVERYTHING. Which is not good. And I tend to shut out the ones I am the closest to. I clearly see now, that i have completely taken for granted so many things. So many things that i wish i could have back. From big things, to small things, if i could go back several years, and re do so many things, and my outlook on life, i would in an instant. But unfortunately, you can’t take back the time, and start over from the beginning, but instead start fresh in the present and make the ending better than it could have ever been. Learn from everything, and work to make it the best, because you know its possible. Though it may be hard, somethings are worth the fight. I do believe that people can forgive and move past things, but its not easy. I understand that. But knowing how my head and my heart feel at this moment and have felt for the last couple weeks, i just can’t seem to grasp whats right and whats wrong. What are the right feelings, or what are the wrong? Am i going to loose what could be, trying to wrap my head around what should have been? When you step out of certain situations, and you figure your shit out. Get yourself where you need to be and find the true you that got lost along with way, and take a glimpse back, you realize what has happened. What all has been lost. And also what all has been gained. But you wonder, and it will eat your soul out, is there a chance.. or is where you are right now, where you are supposed to be, is this the solution, the beginning to something new and spectacular? I guess only time will tell. But life keeps on truckin’, so you have to saddle up and make the best out of the ride.
Nahhh, actually lets just start with the basics. How to get a guy.. or how the hell to get rid of one.. Sometimes i wonder if they are actually just a bad virus that you can’t get rid of.. maybe we should WebMD or ask siri about it?!
ummm Doc, can i get a vaccine for douchbags?! I can’t seem to get away from them.. i attract them at a high volumes. I mean if insurance doesn’t cover it, ill pay cash money.
Guys should come with a warning label: WARNING.. Im charming at first, have these mcdreamy eyes and a smile to brighten up the room and will tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear. Im going to make you a TOP priority, tell you I’m like no other, and spoil you and tell you how i just can’t wait to see what our future will hold.. then in teeny tiny print at the bottom of the label it goes like this… Im charming to an extent, until i get comfortable with you, i will begin to roll my mcdreamy eyes at you behind your back, begin to tell little white lies with my sly smile, begin to put you on the back burner and make up ways to cancel plans and see just how long i can drag you along… While talking to about 4 other girls. Its typical. And thats about how trying to date someone in this day in age is. If you want a good relationship, good luck partner..
I mean honestly, thats it. Oh yeah and the affectionate part.. they will kiss you’re forehead and hold your hand in public and tell their friends just how wonderful you are… and then you get to the good stuff, and OMG girl its good. and keeps getting better.. and just when you think it can’t get any better, you hear the “i love you” and your heart starts to flutter like you might be in love (or maybe you’re just in heat??) … then all of a sudden.. SKEEEERT…
The good morning beautiful messages begin to drift away, you stop getting the daily phone calls, you stop getting any attention and you basically feel like your beating a dead horse. You try to wait for him to text you first, and after hours of waiting you send him one, then maybe two and still nothing… Alright i see ya, but then he calls you 6 hours later and you don’t answer… sweet baby jesus just wait for it.. the dreaded text you know you’ll get, all the while you’re trying to play hard to get.. because thats what Pinterest would tell ya to do (am i right or am i wrong here? i KNOW all you girls be searching crazy things like.. OMG he won’t answer me, what do i do next) .. “hey babe guess you’re busy, tried to call. miss you” SHIIIIIT you didn’t miss me when i texted you earlier but okay…. So you want to go off with your friends, sure babe go, and have a great time… every night of the week.. thats cool, can you PLEASE PENCIL ME IN AT ALL SOME POINT THIS WEEK.. yeah me, your girl, remember?! The response more often than not.. “we’ll see”.. which pretty much means, yeah probably not. okay screw you. but you are going to question me about what I’m doing with all my time.. nahh it doesn’t roll like that. YOU DO YOU, BABE. I WILL DO ME. but when you start to miss me, don’t. Remember who tried to keep us together.. and who chose to not to.
But it doesn’t end there, when you get to that point where you’re just like, ehh okay let me move on. I deserve better.. (All because Pinterest, once again, came to your rescue and told you what step to take next in your life! I mean HOW did we ever accomplish ANYTHING before Pinterest?! How to cook, how to clean, how to correctly birth your child, how to turn trash into treasure, i mean the list goes on and on and on!) Here come the texts and the phone calls again. It’s almost like they have a radar… Lets see just how far i can let her swim away, then lets just reel her on back in. Never fails. Until you don’t respond. Want to get a dramatic reaction.. IGNORE them and moveeeee the hell on. You deserve better girl, much better.
So then you have the psychotic guys who start by messaging you on social media.. but don’t you think that after 17 messages that i HAVE NOT responded to.. you might get the hint. HELL NO. Like how many other chicks you blowin’ up their inbox? “oh girl you are soooooo amazing”.. hmm, you don’t even know if I’m actually a guy .. or a girl, I could totally be a catfish right now, i mean I’ve always wanted to be on tv.. and clearly your pecker in your pants is having some slight burst of blood flow and you really don’t care. You have never met me, and i have never responded to you. PLEASE and thank you, NEXT. For all you know i could have a pretty face and a 9 in ding-a-ling between my legs.. but i will give you an “a” for effort, well actually an “c” for creep.
The best are the ones you meet out in town. The ones who meet you in the raw, so they say. And you get to do the same with them. When i was still married, me and my girlfriend and sister went to dinner. It had been a long week and we all looked like we had been half drowned in the nearest pond and hung to dry. We sat down, had a drink or two and ate dinner. There were a couple guys across the restaurant that kept eyeing us. (not gonna lie, we kinda got a kick out of it). They eventually came over and started talking to us. Well 2 of us were married and my sister had just broken off her engagement so we were currently “UNAVAILABLE”. This one guy, he was a sweetheart. Super tall.. now granted i am only 5ft small.. so it doesn’t take much to be “super tall” to me, he was charming. He told me he was going to keep an eye out for if i ever became available because he thought i was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid his eyes on. (heart melted, mainly because in reality i looked like death warmed up over a campfire and he still thought i was beautiful) and he did. As soon as word got out that i was separating from my husband, i got a sweet message.. “so how about that date?!”.. super sweet.
BUT… have you ever tried the dating apps… or “online dating”, i like to call it “fishing in the dark”!? Unless you’re looking to get a good laugh during a girls night with a few bottles of wine, i wouldn’t recommend it. AT ALL. I literally am just giggling thinking about my experience. So me and my girl ashley.. and her mom decided.. well they decided for me.. that i should create an account. WORST DECISION EVER. Well, it was good in the sense that we got a lot of good laughs out of it!! Some of these people on those apps, you just really have to sit there and think to yourself, or out loud, “Did they really post that as their profile picture?!” or “Do you really think myself or ANYONE else is going to believe that you like nice long romantic walks on the beach during sunset… while your profile picture has you looking like lil wayne with a full grill set in your mouth that you got on black friday at the local pawn shop.. or possibly off the roll of foil in your grandmas pantry?? Guys, cmon. Get it together. And the dudes on there have no conscious, I’m 100% convinced. They will send the ABSOLUTE most ridiculous stupidest messages to try to grab your attention, but in reality we just read them, think to ourselves “are you actually being serious right now?!” and then block you for the safety of ourselves and those around us! **PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: THERE IS A MENTALLY UNSTABLE PERVERTED MAN (i think he’s a man, maybe a woman, who the hell knows these days) ON THE LOOSE LOOKING FOR GULLIBLE DUMB BROADS. BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS** You think I’m joking?? Go ahead and create an account and tell me i am wrong, PLEASE! I have plenty of proof of this. Although we got lots of good laughs and a great girls night out of it, needless to say that account was deleted in less than a week! Mama aint got time for all that bulllllllshit.
But what is it that guys really want? Like, they throw the hook out, you grab it.. and they basically lay you on the side of the pond! You start the talking, and then dating, and spending time together, things go great. You try to be the best girl, reminding them daily how handsome they are or how special they are to you. You do little things to show you care. But then it goes one of two ways.. either the guy gets CRAZY obsessed with you and you have to get rid of him, with or without a restraining order.. or you seem to really like him and things are going great then he just vanishes… like where is the happy medium here? Oh wait, if you get this far into it… and you get to getting serious, and you make it “Facebook official”.. its like someone turns on the HOE SWITCH. Holy HOES come out of everywhere.
Sweetie.. when it says “IN A RELATIONSHIP”… it means Unavailable. Lets define that word.. unavailable: NOT AVAILABLE. at all. point blank. Im not sure why thats so hard for people to figure out… Is this generation just that ignorant. Its clearly written out for everyone to see, but nobody seems to understand. unless we are all dyslexic.. I’m not really sure. Thats something that i will always wonder about. You stay single on Facebook, nobody bothers you, you get in a relationship.. BAMM you’re the #1 candidate for americas most wanted, bachelor edition.
Where are all the “southern gents”.. I mean we live in the south.. south is short for southern, right?! So.. does lifetime lie? How many of your guys actually open the door for you? Or just bring you flowers just for the heck of it?! Or just call to tell you they love you and were thinking about you? The ones who go out of the way to make sure you smile daily… and when you argue, (because we all do) make it a point to make it up to you before bed. Country love songs get me all in my feels, and don’t tell me they don’t make you get the same way. It just sets you up for a broken heart though. What i would give to go back to a time before social media, and before so many distractions in a relationship.. and before all these THIRSTY HOES were born! I personally, don’t want to have to wonder who my man is talking to, who is sending him DM’s on the low, or snapping sexy selfies. Or vice versa. I want to know I’m his A1, “ride or die” so the younger generation say, ill be okay not being referred to as “Bae”, because quit frankly i think that just sounds ridiculous! If you call me babe, bye Felicia! Who created that term anyways?? It sounds stupid.
Dating is tough. I, personally, am done for a while. Even though i didn’t really give it that good of a go, i got more insight than i actually needed at the time. I don’t have the patience for the bullshit. You are either in it to win it, or out. Me, I’m out. #deuces
Happy Easter! I hope everyone had a * B L E S S E D * easter sunday! Lets just start by saying.. I am probably the worlds worst mom when it comes to procrastination! My little one is 7.. thats a tough age. We are teetering between believing and not believing when it comes to ANY fairy tail make believe kinda creature that brings gifts in the night! I have to do some pretty hard convincing these days! But.. i think I’ve still got him believing.
So Beckett has been asking for an Xbox for every single holiday for the last year and a half.. and i swore i would never cave in. BUT.. we all know how that goes being a parent. It has gotten so serious that he even wrote a letter to the tooth fairy telling her to “hold the cash” for the rest of the teeth in his mouth for an Xbox. Seriously… I almost fell in the floor laughing when i went to swap his tooth for the $5 bill, when i came across that letter. “Dear tooth fairy, i appreciate the money you give me, and i still have a lot of teeth left, so do you think maybe you could bring me an xbox or playstation instead of money. You can keep the money for all my other teeth. love, Beckett”. C’mon Beck, thats a lot of “cash holding” for an xbox. But he was so serious. My 7 yr old has the mindset of a 17 year old. That boy is SMART. But i think being an only child and his raising has a lot to do with all his grownup ways of thinking.
So any who, back to Easter… this past friday, like literally Good Friday, still no easter bunny gifts prepared. We were supposed to go to the beach for the weekend, but sweet mother nature had other plans for us. Im pretty sure she is punishing me for bitching about the cold for so long. I had a great weekend planned for me and Beckett. The easter bunny was going to leave money and a note so we could go race go-carts, therefore i wouldn’t have to buy anything dumb. My kid doesn’t like the good candy… so buying lots of yummy chocolate does no good because it ends up on my hips, and not in his tummy. Not good. So i don’t buy candy for him anymore, because i end up eating it, not him. I still have halloween candy in the pantry. So when all the tornado warnings and sightings started coming up in our town we decided to cancel the beach trip. Between my superb driving skills and the weather, I’m sure it would not have ended well. Beckett was upset, but understood. When i told him, that little turd said “well i hope the easter bunny doesn’t let me down like the weather did”… ugh so i instantly caved. Off to the game store i go, and into my buggy goes an xbox 360 with all the goods to go along with it. I mean who in the hell gets an xbox for EASTER. I never got more than a basket of candy, some bubbles and maybe a kite. (my mother has some fascination with kites.. we got one every single year!)
I get home friday evening and am panicking… I have NO clue how to even begin to put all this crap together. I knew i was going to need help. Luckily this sweet sweet friend of mind, who ALWAYS comes to my rescue with any technical issues i have said he’d come help. But i couldn’t ask for help on easter sunday… so brilliant me decided to try and convince my child that the easter bunny was coming on friday night! Man that was tough.. very very tough. But what other choice did i have. He sure wasn’t going to look at it all day sunday while it sat on the table, and i sure wasn’t going to blow a circuit on my power box trying to figure out how to plug it all in!
But my goodness, it just keeps getting better. I put B to bed around 10 friday night. My dad had ended up staying with us because he didnt have power at his house. So i got him to go out to the car and bring ALLLL the accessories and the xbox in. We start to get it all out and take the stickers off everything. I set it all up nice and cute on the table for when he woke up in the morning, along with his little easter basket with some gum and mints in it. I mean what 7 year old asks for gum and mints other than mine?!
Dad goes to bed around 11, and i start watching some series on netflix. Next thing i know its 1:30 am. I get up and go to pee and as I’m trying to pee in peace, i hear these little footsteps RUNNING down the stairs like a heard of wild animals in the sahara dessert. Remember here, its 1:30 in the morning, I’m still awake, and the “easter bunny” has already came.
So I’m sitting on the toilet thinking, shit.. this is gonna go well. First thought, close your eyes and make it seem like you fell asleep on the toilet. Brilliant, right?! Well it worked. He got to the bottom of the stairs, and hollered for me. I didn’t make a peep. He came around the corner and busted in the bathroom.. typical for any kid who knows, or even thinks their mom is in the bathroom. And he says “MOM! THE EASTER BUNNY CAME! WAKE UP!” I totally act surprised… his eyes are bloodshot red and I’m pretty sure he’s partially sleeping walking! I said “What?! he came” Beckett said “yeah mom, you didn’t see him did you, you fell asleep on the toilet.. mom how do you do that?!”
Long story short, yes Beckett i did “fall asleep on the toilet” and that damn bunny must have snuck in the back door while i was snoozin’ on the shitter! He believed me.. thank goodness.. was super stoked about his xbox, had to touch every single thing 3 times, then i finally got him to go back to bed.
5:27 the next MORNING.. he’s up and hollering at me to get up and play xbox with him. NOPE Felicia, you better find your pillow again, and not call for me until after 7. You KNOW your mama ain’t a morning person.
Let me just start by saying, going through pictures of my life to put on this intro page really has tugged at my heart strings. I have to just sit back and scroll with a huge smirk on my face but also a few tears in my eyes. Isn’t it funny how you can come across certain pictures and INSTANTLY you can go back to that exact time.. you can almost feel the moment, whether it was good or bad, that one picture can take you RIGHT back to that exact moment like its happening right before you all over again. Well that feeling has happened several times this morning.. I promise these blogs won’t all be this long!
Any who… I am SOOO thankful for everything i have, everything that I’ve HAD, everything to be had in the future along with everything i have learned along the way. [which between you and me has been wayyyy to much!] I’m no bible beater by any means, I have the mouth of a sailors daughter (ironically enough, my dad was a sailor…crazy right?!) but i LOVE the Lord whole heart and then some. Its taken me 27 years to finally grasp and understand his ways, but now i am starting to figure it all out. The motto I’ve lived by since i was in high school has always been, “Life’s a dance, you learn as you go” and i’ll be dammed if that isn’t the God for saken truth. You’ll learn more dances that you ever wanted, from the hokey pokey, to ‘ole redneck boot scootin’ bar hoppin’ line dances, slow romantic sexually seducing, some golden oldie shaggin’ moves, then you’ll get to the hood rat Nicki Minaj with a little Eminem on the side part of your life. Me, my life right now is a little Nicki with some sweet southern Eric Church on the side. Moderation is KEY! Keep the crazy contained!
So, lets go ahead and get on with this introduction. My name is Berkley. Some call me Berk, Barkley, B, and Aunt Berkie to all the littles in my life, but the most important name I wear is Mom, Mommy, MOOOOOM, and when he’s feeling sassy.. he calls me MOTHER..(with an exaggerative DRAMATIC eye roll). I am 27 years young with 85 years of shit under my boot. But, at least its all under it and not on it. I am the oldest daughter to my AMAZING parents, which granted they should have wrote my ass off long ago, all the hell i put them through growing up. But thats a story for another day. My mother, she is my best friend, my rock and my BIG.. I’m her little. We are just alike, well for the most part! Im so grateful for her, her beauty, her fun spunky personality and HUGE heart. Luckily i inherited those traits.. along with some others we won’t discuss right now! haha. My dad, he is a one of a kind… literally. NOBODY in this world is like him. He has a heart of GOLD, and a mouth full of smart ass comments. If you ever want to laugh.. have a conversation with my dad. He grew up in upstate NY, joined the navy, was stationed in San Diego, CA, met my momma, got hitched and ended up here in North Carolina.. with her and her family. He is the most redneck sarcastic yankee I’ve ever met. You NEVER know what he is going to say! But he will keep you on your toes. I get my smartassness and “I don’t give a SHIT” from him… thanks daddy. Traits that keep me in trouble and pissing people off! They both are AMAZING grandparents too! I have “BONUS” parents on both sides too. They are not steps in my life, they are a bonus in my life. They, all are amazing! My sister.. well where the hell do we start with her. Presley is her name, but everyone knows her by Pep. She and I are COMPLETE opposite but so much alike at the same time.. how that makes any sense, I’m not sure but its the truth. When we are together we have THE BEST time. No matter what we are doing, where we are or who is lucky enough to be with us! We have NO SHAME. We don’t get embarrassed..EVER.. although we should.. we don’t! and she can rap just about any lil wayne, sing yang twins or 2000’s hood rat gangster song like a pro… while wearing her snap back and cowboy boots! She’s a hopeless romantic, where I’m just a pain in the ass. But I love her with my whole heart, even though we butt heads sometimes, i will always be my sisters keeper. Ya’ll will learn more about her later, just be ready!
Let’s talk about the last 27 years at a glance… like a super glance… like just a wink or we will be here ALL day. So made it through school, GRADUATED a western warrior, class clown certification tagged on that diploma. Played sports, showed my horses all through school, had the best group of friends and we did EVERYTHING together. and i also fell in “LOVE”. LAWD JESUS.. all you high school kids who think you are in love… honey its just whats hot in beween your legs thats in love.. its all young down there and fresh to the touch.. and we ALL know these kinda feeling’s can make your head and heart a little cray cray..
So i fell in love… at 16. At 19 I was pregnant and he was in the air force. Long story short for now.. we made a BEAUTIFUL baby, who is now a spunky comical athletic loving selfless (most of the time) S E V E N year old little boy. Beckett James. But as for me and him.. we tried and failed.. more to come on that.. but i am very blessed to be able to say that he is a good dad to Beckett, and we are able to get along and coparent for the sake of our little. 8 months after we ended things, i met Brian. Brian was 9 years older than me (at the time i was 21). He was my prince charming.. but things change. He took me and my son in as his own. He loved that little boy and you would have never known he wasn’t biologically his. Lets just cut to the chase and say, darlin’ no matter how great and marvelous it SOUNDS.. money DOESN’T buy happiness. I had everything i ever wanted..
Yes we both contributed to downfall, but… JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. Just enough to spark your interest?! Good, but don’t worry, I’m not blogging to bash people, or hang mine or anyone else’s dirty laundry out to dry, because I’m just not into that. I have so many memories and experiences with each of these people. Things, that even though they both failed, i will hold onto and cherish forever. I want YOU to learn from my MISTAKES, before you make them too. So here we are.. been in LOVE twice, both dramatically traumatic endings, 27 years old back on the dating market.. honey, sugah dumplin’… the world we live in and dating.. this is going to be interesting. we also will get to that on a later date!
So lets talk about the current life I’m living. I AM IN LOVE with life right now. I finally am at a place of peace. I have such an amazing family and support system, a beautiful home, a healthy happy kid, a job i LOVE while i finish school (finally, for the second time), my best friend, who is my sister from anotha mister, the salt to my peppa and my under paid therapist! Ash, you da best. and it just seems as though things are finally falling into place… finally. I am living my life with an open heart, even though its been beaten and battered and abused. Finding out who i am more and more everyday, loving and learning my sweet Beckett daily, bettering myself in ways i would have never thought (this blog being one) and loving the Lord with every step i take on this journey.
I have decided to blog (in ALL my free time..) as a way to express myself, while humoring, inspiring, and learning along with others. A Southern State Of Mind.. thats the state of mind i am in, was born in and will continue to be. I want you to know me through my experiences, my personality and my soul. I want my followers to laugh at stores i write about, laugh at my stupid choices and the crazy life i live surrounded by the people i love. I hope to inspire people with my personal life lessons and hope to save someone from what all i have endured. I want you to read and be able to relate. or be able to help someone you know who can relate. I am a closed open book..if that makes any sense. and i have no idea what I’m doing on here so just be patient with me. I may throw in some DIY crafts and home decor on occasion. maybe even a few recipes! but i want this to be something that people look forward to sittin’ on the shitter and reading! I have so much to talk about and i hope someone, at least some ONE person enjoys it! ❤
Southernism for the day: Doohickey (noun..could be several nouns): the name for an object.. or person, you either can’t remember or never knew in the first place. Other variations are whatchamacallits and thingamajigs